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Chapter II

DAY 2 | Waiting

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Numbness sets in.

We’re waiting until tomorrow for the Doctor appointment to find out what happens next, what we’re facing, possible outcomes.

How do I stay positive amidst the nightmare scenarios playing out in my head?

I’m supposed to be the one who asks the right questions, who finds a way to see the good amidst all the bad.

I can’t concentrate on anything meaningful. I can’t work. I can’t think.

Logically I know that worrying doesn’t help. I know that letting this take over my thoughts and letting fear into my head serves no one at all, least of all my wife, Dafna.

And yet I feel powerless to stop it.

Trying to stay busy. Trying to keep my mind off…. you know. Trying to keep Dafna busy too, it must be ten times harder for her and I feel guilty even feeling like this is hard for me.

I want to think positively, to focus on the best possible outcome, not the worst. I want to put out positive energy and do everything I can to somehow affect this. I want to be that guy that makes everything better, somehow.

I know, it’s stupid.

What can I do?

Tomorrow we’ll know… something. Probably not everything and we’ll still have to wait. Acting, even if it’s only a small step, feels like we’re doing something though, instead of waiting.

Waiting and not knowing. Waiting and worrying. Waiting and wondering. Waiting.

As I sit here and worry and wonder and wait, my amazing wife just continues to be amazing. What would YOU do in her shoes? What would YOU do if you didn’t know what a diagnosis like this means, or what your future holds?

What she did was reach out to family and friends in California (LA to be specific) to offer them our home as a place of refuge should they find themselves in need of somewhere to stay due to the out of control wildfires threatening many of their homes.

Yeah, that’s how awesome she is. This nightmare scenario is playing out in her life, in her body, and she turns around and tries to help other people who are in trouble.

Fuck You Cancer.

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